I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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