i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
