i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
