I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
