he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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