I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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