Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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