Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
