i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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