it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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