The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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