your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
