So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
