Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
