get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
