Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize