masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
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I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
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We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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