shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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