The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
