I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
