I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
