what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
