I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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