Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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