i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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