you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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