I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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