I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize