I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
