Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Moan for me like Helen Keller
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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