you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
