We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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