All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
