Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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