You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's always time for handjobs
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So much Jack, so little girl.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
