I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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