I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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