The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
