i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
