Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
