I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
