I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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