She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
