Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There are leaves in my underwear?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
