took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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