The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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