You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Are we still banned from the library?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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