Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my shit smells like andre
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
