Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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