Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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