there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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