If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You don't make any sense
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