I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Is it penis luge time yet?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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