She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
