3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i've created a new STD.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
