No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
