so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
