Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
