I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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